Lead the Way, Dad

A Visit From My Father

Last night, I dreamt of my father.

The two of us were walking along an old rail trail. It was winter, but the snow was fluffy and not deep. To our right, Lake Massabesic was nearly iced over. The air was cold, but the sky was blue and I didn’t feel cold - if one feels cold or hot at all in a dreamscape.

We were going… someplace, but I didn’t know where. He was hurrying, but not rushed. We were expected someplace was my feeling. I was myself, my age. He was, well, the age of my dad.

There wasn’t much conversation between us, at least none that I remember. We came to a section of the trail that was submerged between two outlets. The trail went over that section, but clearly, under the snow would be icy water.

I recognized the section and reminded him that if we kept up, we’d get wet.

“No we won’t,” he said.

The dream was a rarity for me because I usually don’t have cogent dreams. Either I don’t remember anything, or they are some strange Daliesque mish-mash of unreality. But this - a walk with my father - was new.

He said, “Just watch, do this.”

He backed up a few steps and then ran, sort of half prancing, half hopping over the inlet. He was fast, barely touching the snow, his feet not sinking in too deeply. When he reached the other side, he turned to look at me and smiled, as if to say, ‘See.’

But that’s all I remember. I don’t recall my moving forward to run over toward him. Did I follow him? I don’t know.

My dad came back to me all these years later to teach me how to not get my feet wet. And me, like usual, instead of just following him, I was uncertain. Even eight years after he passed, he’s still trying to show me stuff and I’m still not seeing. I should have followed him more. I wish I had followed him in my dream.

I should maybe make a point of assigning something deeper to this, but for me, it was just good to see him, to hang out with him again for a bit.

To remind me that I still miss him.

There’s a lot happening in real life these days, in my waking mind, so I’m willing to absorb little moments like this when they come.

Stay focused. Don’t be afraid. Be like me. Alright, dad, alright - lead the way.