Don't Be That Guy
But I'm Not Sure Who You SHOULD Be Either
Recently, during a lunch break at a sandwich shop, a homeless man came in to plug in and charge his phone. He sat at the table in front of me and he and the staff were on a first name basis so I guessed that he did this often.
After a few minutes, he began gentle panhandling from his seat. As customers would come in, he’d ask for change. I found myself becoming annoyed. Was he allowed to do that from inside a business? Did the lunch shop let homeless people panhandle inside the building? Even though none of this involved, affected or bothered my lunch, for some reason I began to become frustrated at him, and at them.
And then the bro showed up. A young man walked in and the homeless man asked him for change. The exchange that took place was so surprising that I wrote it down.
“I don’t have anything for you. I don’t just give away money.”
“Maybe a hot chocolate?”
“What am I, your hot chocolate dealer?”
“I don’t know.”
“You know what I know, I know that if you actually went and earned your money and got a job you could afford all the hot chocolate you want.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I worked too hard to just give my money away.”
I want to make a couple points here, and I’ll be up front with you - I don’t have the answers to these questions I’m about to ask, but it’s worth thinking about.
First, why punch down? What’s the benefit here? What sort of a miserable life do you lead to just yell at a homeless guy sitting there charging his phone?
And second, in seconds, my feelings flipped from irritation at the homeless guy to rage at the entitled young man.
And then, I thought to myself, but am I any better? What was my action item going to be? Nothing. I’d ignore him like I always did, like we always do. I would have just gone about my business and would have not even remembered him had that other person not become part of the story.
We shrug our shoulders at a lot of things in our everyday lives. Some of it is self-preservation - we’d go insane, literally, if we cared deeply about every ill. Some of it is hopelessness - what can we do about the problem, not much usually.
The young man sat down a couple tables over from the homeless man and calm returned. On my way out, I stopped at the counter and handed the clerk five dollars and asked her take a hot chocolate out to the homeless man, and then I left.
That won’t fix anything. It’s not a hero move. It didn’t make me feel better and I’m not a better person for doing that. But, I hoped that the young guy two tables over saw it when that hot chocolate arrived. And maybe next time I’ll stop and at least take a breath before walking away.
Just a few thoughts re our general discomfort with the people in our midst. Thank you, Dan, for framing your thoughts into questions. I think they help us all wrestle with the tough things all around us. We can reply or not, without being told how to think. I find it hard to be in a situation like the one you described when homelessness or some form of poverty enters our comfort zone. For me, it's because I know I can't fix it, as much as I wish I could. I kinda like how the coffee shop lets their customers do the deciding when someone in question, (apparently non-violent) asks for help. Some people handle dis-ease better than others, and I too am disappointed in a society where a "have" chooses to denigrate a "have not." Sadly, I would guess that the one asking for help has probably been treated this way before. It doesn't make it right. What it does do is exemplify the society we're living in. And the scenario leaves out that anyone can fall from grace. Maybe more common than we think, even those with a pedigree of work and education can find themselves needing society's good will. It troubles me, and I also don't really know how I would have responded. His ask for money doesn't obligate us. It calms me a bit to recognize that.Still, I need to ask, what is decency? Is there something each of us can do to, one decent move at a time, to change the society that we see through this scenario? I'd like to say that I would just talk to the guy, smile, wish him a good day, hope that his charged phone allows him a better connection for living his day, maybe mention that this coffee shop seems like a good place for him. Would that change the reality that the poor are with us? No. I think it does accept it though. Would my response make a difference for one person's day, and maybe model good behavior to others? I'm not really sure. But that's just what I, on a good day, would do, I think. Kinda like making a silent donation for a cup of cocoa. Thanks!
Relative to the 'bro' and his attitude, buying that poor unhoused man a hot chocolate was a hero move.